Thoughts on Race

As your typical foreigner, I didn't use to care much about the presidential elections in the US. However, the upcoming elections have been at the forefront of my attention for some time now, because I think we're close to a historic moment for this country, and its people.

I really want Obama to win. I really, really want that to happen. Not only because McCain is Republican and subscribes to their backward ideas such as banning gay marriage and virtually illegitimizing abortion; not only because Obama is younger, more energetic, more well-spoken and less repetitive in his messages to the US people; in summary, not only because Obama is far more convincing as a president of a 21-cetury United States. But also because this is a pivotal moment for the American racial model. I believe, and others I've talked to share the view, that electing Obama president of the US would be a huge win for the United States, both domestically as well as in terms of their image in front of the world. This country, which has such a horrible history of repressing its Black population, would show in a way that's harder to contest that things have changed, and would continue changing for the better.

Conversely, a victory for McCain to me would signify that most of what people consider core American values - democracy, equality, pluralism - are no more than a sham. It seems absurd to me that we could elect, in the 21 century, a president from a party that has missed the past few centuries, throughout which there has been a separation of church and state. I myself am a devout Christian, so I'm not speaking out of my ass. I would seriously reconsider staying in the US if McCain wins this election. His running mate, our beloved Mrs. Palin, is against most of who I am - gay and a foreigner. I guess my redeeming qualities are that I'm white and a male, which is just about as bad.

On a different, but tangentially related note, I've been feeling a little weird lately. I've been reading James Baldwin, who is a renowned American writer whose major themes are racism and homophobia, in particular in mid-20th century US. His writing has been a kind of shock for me, because it is one thing to know racism exists "out there", as a vague shapeless notion, and it's totally different to see it in excruciating, painful detail through the eyes of someone who experienced it in his life. The more I'm reading his book the more I want to put it down and cry for hours and hours, because not a single cell in my body can comprehend, or fail to be enraged by, the utter senselessness and violence of racism. I keep thinking whether I would be able to recover from the blows the characters took, whether my family would endure what the families in the book endured.

But what's really scary is that I see myself in this book through different, piercingly judging eyes. And what's more, I realize that this horrible image of me is very well justified, very much deserved. Suddenly being white has become a liability for me, just like being gay, because I know that there are many people out there that, even if they don't know me, would dislike me for who I am. But, whereas the former is an irrational hatred, the latter is very rationalized, it has a real reason. I know that I'm not American, I know that my country never took slaves regardless of color, I know that I am everything BUT racist, but I have been feeling ashamed, so deeply ashamed of my color. My aching question after reading all this, my burning question that might probably redeem me, and give me the cheap peace of mind I really need right now, is - is it different now? Do I really look like that to people of color? Is this really who they think I am and how I view them?

I like black men. It is a topic for a different blog post, suffice it to say it's not just a fetish I have. I have dated black men, and will continue to, hopefully, but now that I'm aware of my color, I've been thinking - how would that influence my hypothetical future relationship? Where/when would I be welcome/unwelcome in his life? What would be the burden on him that he has a white boyfriend? I walk in the streets of Seattle and I see white and black folks mingle and walk hand in hand, and I want to think that the nightmare is over, but I'm still not convinced. I've been unable, for a couple of weeks now, to look at black people in the eyes - I was so awkward when this cutie chatted me up in the campus shuttle the other day. Fortunately I was able to conjure up my gift of speech and we clicked nicely. But I don't know yet what it would take for me to go back to normal. And maybe I shouldn't?

I wish someone could answer my questions...