Homecoming and other news

Last weekend was Homecoming weekend at Dartmouth College, and I decided to go. I wasn't sure whether I was going until the Monday of that week, which probably explains the cost of my plane ticket :)

Homecoming, overall, was a really, really sweet experience. I was missing my closest people, and it felt really good to be spending time with them again. It felt as if I had never left the place - the frats were the same, I tied my jacket by the sleeves at my usual spot on the staircase railing, then we danced at our usual spot by the speakers in Tri Kap, then we left for Chi Gam to find out, unsurprisingly, that it's impossibly packed, then we went past Novak to get some water after we'd shed pounds and pounds on the dance floor. I even had a crush on the same guy as during senior year :) Even my friend's boyfriend drama was the same, as it rolled out on the same tables in Food Court.

Some things were also different though - I now saw a lot of unfamiliar faces, quite probably from the Class of 2012, which to me is just another mystery with a sci-fi twang to it (I mean 2012, she-it). The campus's reaction to the new freshman class was mixed, as it always is, and all that reminded me of the things that used to occupy my mind and time when I was in college. That was another difference - I felt much freer and much more relaxed than I ever was as a student. Not being tied to the place anymore, knowing that I'm not stuck there forever, knowing what's there for me outside the campus boundaries made the experience really pleasant, and blanketed out everything that had used to make me nervous/anxious/discontented in this place. It was an idealized fairy tale. But really the only space I occupied for sure was the company of my closest, and God had I been needing it. It irked me that some of those closest apparently didn't understand our time together was limited, and it might have been a better idea to agree on a truce in their personal wars and focus on us, but then again the time was little for that kind of arguments.

In essence, Homecoming was, indeed, coming home. Home is never a problem-free place, but once you have been away for a while, you tend to forget the bad and focus on the good. It is funny that I should feel this way at a place which is so far, still, and in many ways, from my original home. Note I'm not saying "real" - because what I call "my home" has now become a fascinating, monstrous conglomerate spanning two continents and two coasts, and two cultures and languages. I was talking today to someone about the fear one feels from crossing the bridge to a new life, at a new place, with new people. I have known this fear all to well, twice now, and sometimes I catch myself thinking whether it has impaired my ability to relate to people - I can still make friends easily, but I'm more afraid to let anyone close, because who knows for how long they are going to be around before we have to say our "goodbyes". I now understand the movies where the child is indignant that his/her parents are moving yet again.

However, each big move has given me more than I could put down in this blog. In some aspects, my 3 months in Seattle have let me experience more things than the 4 years at Dartmouth. I'm slowly growing into my own, becoming more and more defined as "me", and appreciating what that "me" stands for. I'm looking younger than my freshman year in college, there is so much less on my mind, it's a wonderful ride. Then again there are the losses - and I saw that at Dartmouth: a lot of people I knew and met embraced me and were as happy to see me as I was to see them; but there were probably as many who only approached me perfunctorily, as if all our past history had been bumping into each other in the store. We were all kind of like people talking while waiting to get off the bus - the rushed, seemingly friendly, but ultimately detached conversations, the very tangible sense of transience. I'm happy a weekend only has two days :)

In other news, I have discovered a liking for Danity Kane - in particular, this song:

and this song:


In still other news, after about a month of break, I finally had a hot date over the weekend. I was starting to get all gloomy and moody, as it usually happens when you've been out of physical contact for a while, and now I'm back to cheerful :) And, this time I have no expectations, so I'm just enjoying things for what they are.

Hope y'all are well! MWAH

Google Didn't Have a Clue, or Gay, Bulgarian and in the US

There isn't exactly much to say about what I'm going to say. But I think the little there is is important, because even Google seems to be poorly informed about it.

As you may know, I am a Bulgarian gay man in the United States. I have never given it much of a thought, or tried to ponder what it "means", because it never seemed like something out of the ordinary to me. The fact that I'm Bulgarian, much like the fact I'm gay are things I was born with and a part of who I am, so I didn't think they deserved any "special treatment".

However, you add the adverbial modifier "in the United States" and things become a little interesting. As a computer geek I'm good with online search, and I spent quite some time trying to find information on Google about Bulgarian gay guys in the States. Guess what - all of my searches failed - they pointed me to the gay societies in Bulgaria, news on Bulgarian legislation about gays, spicy details about the Bulgarian gay nightlife, and even spicier pictures of allegedly Bulgarian gay models (except they have names like Piotr and Malek, which are SO distinctly Bulgarian it makes me shiver).

Then I resorted to a weapon I had't used since my early college years - preying for gay guys on Facebook. But this time, in addition to specifying "Male, interested in Men" I also added "from Bulgaria". Yeah, I know - I'm only searching in the Seattle, Dartmouth, and Microsoft networks, but it is still telling I got no results.

So it seems that, for all intensive purposes, we don't exist :) However, since I'm proof to the contrary, it is interesting to think how many others like me are there, not having anyone exactly in their shoes to talk to about what it means to them, and how it has affected their lives and relationships with others. I have few stories of my own to tell, but there is one stereotype I have seen over and over again - in the States it is expected that all Bulgarian men are straight.

Once I was talking to a friend on the phone, and when we were done she didn't hang up the phone correctly, so I could still hear her talk in her room. She is Bulgarian and apparently had some Bulgarian friends over. When they asked who she was talking to, she explained it was so-and-so "and oh, he's gay". The other Bulgarians sounded quite surprised and asked her a few times if she was quite sure.

College was different, yet not. It was different, because I met Niki and Alex, my fabulous Bulgarian girlfriends, who not only didn't take an issue with me being gay, but actually helped me come to terms with it and feel comfortable with myself. The guys, however, while being friendly (as all Bulgarians in the US are supposed to be to each other), never really quite accepted it, or talked about it. I was even expected, on several occasions, to "bring some hot chicks" with me to the party. And I usually did, although for different reasons :)

On a more positive note, it seems like my American counterparts go nuts (no pun intended) about foreign guys, or guys with accents, or some mixture thereof. When I say I'm Bulgarian it instantly wins me some cute points, and I have grown to appreciate my motherland in a whole new way :)

So yeah, so far I have only my experiences to draw on when I talk about what it is to be Bulgarian, and gay, in the US. Of course, everybody goes through life in their own way, but I do admit I would have liked to know how it is for people on a similar path to mine.