At Long Last, I Sit on My Enormous Backside To Write

So it seems as if I haven't updated this in quite a while. June 2009? I can't even think that far lol So now that I have the time, and the energy, to actually update this blog, I am determined to put as much emo crap into my blog entry as I humanly can.

The latter half of 2009 was interesting. Professionally, I focused away from working on side projects and more onto my core responsibilities. I learned a whole lot of new techniques and tools to do my job. I found an area that was rife with issues to fix, and I stuck to it. I felt like I was finally getting a hang on things. This was in contrast to my first year at Microsoft, when I was really flustered by wanting to have a high work throughput and not actually getting there, despite my manager's reassurance. This second year at Microsoft has been better, and I'm definitely feeling more confident about what I'm doing there.

Personally, it was a mish-mash. In the summer I met someone that I was really into, and we seemed to hit it off well (in fact we almost hit it the first night). But then things got awkward. We'd make plans to meet that would fail. I'd repeatedly put myself out there just to see the absence of initiative on the other side. After a couple of months of that, I got tired and decided to drop it. Also somewhere around that time (I can't remember chronologically, but I think before I met this person) I had a brief affair with an old crush on mine. He was quite attractive and we had a good chemistry going. I was shocked to see how many things we shared - down to favorite movie, favorite color, and favorite songs. The first day we hung out, we spent almost the entire day together. It started in the park, and we just talked about our lives, likes and dislikes. We clicked on so many levels it was almost unreal. At dinner, we got almost identical fortunes from our fortune cookies - something special is happening tonight.

This was the first guy that made me believe in signs. Or rather, made me look for signs everywhere I went. I would think of him and we'd pass each other on the street. Or I would swing by a store only to realize it has his name. Or I'd watch a favorite TV series and have one of the protagonists be his namesake. It all seemed to be there for us. But then two strange things happened. I started feeling like the ugly duckling. Why would someone as hot, confident and popular be interested in me? One day, I invited him over at my place to watch a movie. I even felt embarrassed by my own apartment. I scrubbed it clean for hours and hours, rearranged things, did whatever I could to impress him. It didn't make it better that, when he finally did come over, he said things like "I can get anyone I want". I felt insignificant, just one of a nameless multitude that can be "easily gotten" by my object of awe.

And then it came to me like a bucket of cold water on a hot summer day. What was I thinking? There is nothing stupider than putting yourself down. The world is going to do plenty of that for you. You are responsible for your happiness and well-being. It helped talking to my mother back then - her unwavering support and belief in me even when I didn't support or believe in myself. And I realized she got a point - when I stepped back to think about it, I really had no good reason to feel like anything but awesome. I realized arrogant types are not who I want to be with. And the guy stopped talking to me anyway, for no apparent reason, just like the one after him that I wrote about earlier. Thus I learned that signs can, after all, be misleading and just in your head.

Then came August, and it brought back someone I hadn't talked to in months. Our last encounter earlier in 2009 had ended badly, I had been furious and hurt, and I cut off all communication. But there is the thing about me - I can't be mad indefinitely. I've gotten over a whole lot of things, many of them more serious than romantic relationships. So when he made the first move and spoke to me after a long period of silence, I didn't brush him off. We started talking again, and it was so strange - now that we were just friends, we were actually talking so much more and sharing so much more than when we were dating. I learned about him things I hadn't suspected, and things that resonated with my own life experience. Before long, I could see that my passion for him was rekindling, even though I still kept a friendly front and talked about my feelings for him as things of the past. One night, I took him out to the restaurant where we'd first met, dressed as I had been dressed on that day almost a year before. Then we went and got some drinks, and talked for hours about our families and cultures. Then it was too late for the bus and I didn't want him to pay for a cab, so I invited him to sleep over at my place.

Some might say I had orchestrated it, some might say it was just meant to happen, but we didn't sleep much that night. I had almost fallen asleep when he reached for my arm and wrapped himself in it. And then everything fell in place, like the last piece of a puzzle. I had my baby in my arms and I didn't care if it was official or not - it was right. Thereafter we more or less slipped into our old dating routine, and I quickly realized that the longer I stayed, the less likely I would ever want to leave. He was a lot of the things I wanted, but there were some complicating factors. I struggled a lot to rise above them, but I couldn't. I realized, to my shame, that I wasn't as mature as I wanted to believe I was. I realized I was wasting his time, time in which he could be looking for someone who can handle things better than I could. So after long weeks of deliberation, I decided it was best to let him go and find someone better. It was one of the hardest decisions I'd had to make. It didn't go very well, some words were exchanged that hurt on both sides. For the two months following that, I felt physically sick, I gained an awful lot of weight, and I cried myself to sleep almost every night.

At that time, it was December, and I went to visit two of my best friends for Christmas and New Years. It was so good to finally have someone to talk to who would not only listen but be actively engaged in the conversation. I was able to verbalize my feelings, and by the end of the trip I was already feeling better. It helps sharing what's on your heart with those who care about you. My story was no longer the mystery canned in a hidden compartment somewhere deep in my heart - it was part of the larger discourse with my close people. That's when I really started getting over it. Thanks Niki and Nela.

The new year started with an awful lot of work from the very beginning, and has been the same ever since. I also started learning American Sign Language in which I'd been interested for a long time. It gave me the opportunity to meet new people, which I really needed. I also met someone new, and he was the first person in my life with whom I took thinks slow. He allowed me to learn how to be patient, which was never one of my strong points. While it didn't end up working out, I learned more things about myself and what I really want.

Now, more than ever, I feel inspired to explore and experience life to the fullest. I've made a list of the places I want to go, the things I want to do, the stuff I want to learn. I have great friends to support me in my journey, and I no longer feel like my happiness rests on being with someone. It has been a roller-coaster, but it was totally worth it!