Ramblings After a Busy Weekend

Haha, never thought I would do the whole blog thing again, but here ya go :)

It just seems I've been getting introspective again, and I got tired of writing Facebook notes to spill out what's on my mind, so I guess this is a better medium (?).

It looks like I'm graduating from Dartmouth in June this year. The thought at once excites and frightens me. It's exciting because I'm moving over to Seattle and starting a new life, and a life really on my own. The fresh start thing seems to work pretty well for me, considering what coming to Dartmouth meant for my life. On the other hand, the thought that I am leaving this place left me in a sort of existential vacuum, that I was only able to fill after taking the time to really talk to myself, and try to grow more mature in the process. But here are some of the intermediate stages of that journey.

1. I guess I can't really explain it well even to my close friends at Dartmouth. This place has meant a lot for me, and changed my life in many, many ways. When I look back at the person I used to be, and the person I am now, it's always staggering because we are hardly similar anymore. I used to be judgmental of people. I was the moral standard, and the epitome of goodness, and everyone else was worse to a varying degree. Once people made a mistake, I wrote them off completely. Now that I have met tons of people and done tons of stupid shit, it's never my instinctive response to judge others, but rather try to understand them and see things through their eyes. I used to be a closeted, scared, shy, secretive, idealistic gay boy who kept everything to himself. After coming to Dartmouth, I opened myself to people and allowed myself to be human in front of others, i.e. have good moments AND bad moments; I stopped hiding my sexuality from myself and everyone else, stopped feeling bad about various aspects of myself; started actually liking the person I am. For everyone who's had body/confidence/interpersonal issues, you realize that's no small deal.

I also learned a lot. In my major - computer science. In the other fields I feel passionate about - music, linguistics and Spanish. I learned a lot about myself that I didn't know before - how many hours I need to sleep to be functional, how much pressure I can endure and still do a good job with what I'm doing, how different people can be, how I relate to all these different people, how to anticipate emotional lows and use friends' support to get myself out of them, how to feel good about myself and like my life, and so much more. I sang in a classical choir. I sang in a gospel choir. I went to Hawaii, and Switzerland and Italy with these choirs. I met people from everywhere. I worked in a copy center, two libraries, and Microsoft; I was a Spanish Teacher Assistant, and I taught my native language in a Miniversity class. I worked on projects in networking, AI, OS, interactive art, wireless data research, and whatnot. I fell in and out of love. I lived.

But probably the most important part is - I made close friends. Friends that I can not see for months and still have the same connection with once we are together. It was hard enough when some of them graduated over the past three years. It also made all of our, though rare, reunions quite an event, at least in my eyes. I now have a group of close friends, and graduation inevitably makes me think about the time we will not be together every day, and we will not be able to just go get dinner in EBA's or late Saturday brunch at Lou's, or just watch a movie and make fun of the actors/ourselves/the world at large. I kid you not, it's painful to think of this.

However, I found ways to reconcile the feelings of obvious and impending loss with my world view, and now, updated and readjusted, I'm waiting for what's coming my way. More of this later, though, because I have an exam to read for.