Long Overdue: Graduation & Friends

Ok so this one is going to be a long one, but there are many things I want to say, so you have no choice :P

My last blog post was in March, when I was still an undergraduate at Dartmouth College. Now it is the middle of July, and magically over a month has passed since the day when I, finally, graduated - June 8, 2008. It is mostly about that day and the week leading up to it that I wanted to write.

A bit of prehistory - as a computer science major, I had two choices of a culminating experience: either writing a thesis or participating in a community software project, and I chose the thesis. I had a couple of reasons - first, I'm thinking about going to grad school at some point or another, and undergraduate research is a bonus for the application. Second, I always viewed myself as more of a researcher than a practitioner within computer science, and this was a chance to go deeper into a topic of my choice. Eventually my thesis topic was offered to me by a Dartmouth prof specializing in computer security, and it had to deal with an area within securtity. I wasn't as excited about the topic itself as I was about the opportunities it gave me to learn more about artificial intelligence and its applications in real-world scenarios.

So I had the winter and spring term of my final year at Dartmouth to write the thesis. I used up the whole winter term to do background research (I had no knowledge of security prior to that project). Then Niki, Alex, Jon and I went on a spring break to Miami, which was way cool. However, I remember lying on the beach with my eyes closed, thinking that I still haven't written a single page with only 10 weeks left, and what's worse - I still have NO clue what I'm writing about. And in fact, I was still doing background research 5 weeks into my last term at Dartmouth. I ended up doing research and writing in parallel, finishing a chapter about something that I already know while reading stuff for the next chapter.

Then suddenly it was the week before senior week, i.e. the last week of classes. By Wednesday of that week I had 4 out of the 7 chapters of my thesis, unrevised. I had promised a full draft to my thesis advisor by Friday. So on Wednesday night, I went into the 1902 room in Baker library, put my stuff down one one of the large wooden tables, already laden with other people's books and laptops, put aside some food and energy drinks, and resolved to at least try to meet my deadline. Indeed, for th next two days I only left that spot for a few hours, to take a nap. At 3.40am on Saturday morning I sent my thesis advisor the completed draft, apologizing I hadn't really made the Friday deadline, and crashed like a Titanic clone. Later that day I had to write my final Spanish paper, which I did in a semi-awake state, and I semi-used references, and I semi-proofread it at the end (it later turned out OK, luckily).

Then on Sunday I resolved to make all the editions for all the chapters that my advisor and my thesis assistant had proposed, in time for them to look at the finalized manuscript. They did, and I stayed awake until 3.30am on Monday (the deadline for submission being 9am), making final edits and rephrasings and beautifying and shit. Then, I attached the PDF file to an email to the thesis committee, and I remember freezing for a moment before I hit "Send". After this, there would be nothing left for me to do towards my college degree. In more or less a trance, I finally hit the send button and my senior honors thesis went on its final journey - to the graders.

On the way back to my room I felt very odd - the campus looked somewhat distant, I almost felt like a visitor; I felt like I've been here before but it was so long ago (kinda like when I visit my high school or previous homes). I remember walking very slowly, not so much because I was exhausted, but because it suddenly became very emotional, and the whole weight of being done and being ready to go finally collapsed on me in full. I was, actually, leaving this place in a few days.

Between Tuesday and Friday I was mostly hanging out, finishing up on financial stuff and college documents and administrative shittery; and having rehearsals for my first choir in college - Chamber Singers. We were going to have our Senior Concert (a yearly concert given by the graduating seniors) on Friday at 7pm, and I was expeting my mom to come at 10pm that same night. It was nice to reconnect with my old friends in the choir in the way that only doing something together provides, and singing pieces some of which I had chosen and loved since freshman year. During that week there were also some formals and cocktails and such, and I went to them, even though my mind was away from the festivities.

Then Friday came, and we had our concert, and my closest friends came to support. Then me and my choir friends parted with the expected "See you at graduation" which we felt wouldn't exactly happen, but shit it sounds comforting, doesn't it? After the concert Jon ahd to go to Sheba practice, so Niki Alex and I went to the Hop to grab dinner. On our way out I surprisingly saw my mom coming towards me from the bus station - she had somehow gotten on the earlier bus. She finally met Alex, of whom she'd heard a good deal (which was also true in the other direction). Then we retreated to my room where she told me the funny/ridiculus story of her travel as a non-English speaking smoker (apparently she kept saying to people "I don't spick English, I want to smoke"). I had written her a 10-page letter explaining every single step she needed to take from Sofia to Hanover, NH, and for the most part things had gone smoothly, but there were some little things that she hadn't exactly guessed right (like getting off her seat as the plane was landing in order to leave the plane first). Later that night, she, I and he crew had dinner at Molly's, where everyone could finally meet everyone else, and have a multilingual chat.

Then it was Saturday. Was that a long day :) In the morning we had commencement practice, a lot of which I skipped; then at 3pm there was the Baccalaureate service, where I sang in both Gospel Choir and Chamber Singers and my mom could see/listen to that, which was cool. Later that night we were joined by Nela, one of my oldest and closest friends at Dartmouth, a 2004/2005 graduate, and we saw some student groups perform, including Sheba with Jon on the frontline. Of course they were fabulous :) The night continued with drinks in Murphy's, and then the candle lighting ceremony, where we went to a large isolated dark area surrounded by trees, and lined up in a huge circle of graduating seniors, each one with a lit candle in hand. Then, one by one, we had to put our candles off, as a symbol of passage. It was a very strange experience, and my mind was skillfully evading the thought of what it really symbolized, in a more personal way. Then we regrouped in front of Dartmouth Hall to listen to the Aires (one of the a capella groups on campus), and found some more friends who'd come for the festivities.

The last event of the night was the traditional dance party that goes on all night, and we went there - it was indeed cool, but by 3.30am we wanted to leave. It was my last dance party at Dartmouth, and one in a long series of lasts that had started a few days ago. We parted with promises to hang out the following day. The truth is I would have stayed at the party for longer, but I felt a little left out - Alex had left earlier, and Niki and Jon were immersed into each other, and I didn't feel like dancing by myself or with other, less close friends. But I decided that other things are more important and resolved not to sleep in order to tie some loose ends in terms of leaving the place. Eventually i gave up at 5am-ish and went to bed, only to be woken up at 6am by my mother who wanted to know how to use the showers' water knob. I was going to get up at 7am anyway to take us to bfast and then leave her to Niki so that they could find seats for the graduation ceremony.

We only had coffee, so I went to the Hop where I happened to have breakfast with an old prof, and among other things we finally came out to each other despite apparently knowing beforehand. We talked for a little bit and then we had to leave; I bumped into Alex and Jon on the way out, each of us getting ready for the upcoming ceremony. I went back to my room, changed, put on my black robe and got my funny hat, and hurried to where we all would be gathered and placed in order before marching on the Green. On the way I was joined by other seniors and we shared our growing anxiety about what was coming up. I could see Jamal in his fancy robe and adornments in front of me (with whom I had, at long last, shared a hot dance the night before), and other peeps in groups and clusters.

In the huge arena we had to fill a looooong senior survey asking us everything imaginable about our college experience. I didn't have enough time to finish everything :) Then, slowly, row after row got up as we left for the Green. Eventually I also got up, and my heart started racing. Then we paraded all the way to the Green, greeted by the happy faces of the locals, and finally lined up at the end of the park opposite to the stage. Many parents were jostling around, trying to take a picture of their graduating children. And just as I was disucssing how my mom made it to the US after all, she showed up, having found me among thousands of people, and took a few pictures of me. Then we all paraded to the front stage, assuming our seats in expectation of the endless speeches and giving of graduate diplomas.

A couple of hours later, we were drenched by sweat as it was 100 degrees with 90% humidity out there, and it was finally our turn to get our diplomas. I saw countless friends, one by one, getting up the stage and receiving their much-craved and hard-won diplomas, parting with Dartmouth, parting with me (although the latter probably did not occur to me). When it was my turn, I very nearly shut down, I wasn't seeing or hearing the large crowd anymore, and when Jessica Glago finally announced my name, I stepped up with my heart and mind racing and received my diploma. I think I blacked out for a couple of seconds, and came back to midway down the stairs, and I was now a BA in computer science, with honors and cum laude, and not a student anymore.

We took numerous pictures after the ceremony; deep inside I really just wanted to eat something, drink a truckful of water and SLEEP. So I hardly saw anyone before I left Hanover.
Later that day I organized two dinners - first with Nela, Olga and mom (Olga had to leave early), and then with Niki, Alex and Jon, but sadly Niki had to leave for work in the early afternoon. I tried, but couldn't get my little core group together for dinner, and that made me really sad, but it was the best I could do. After the first dinner I said goodbye to Olga and Nela, and then dropped mom back in my room before the second dinner. As I was going back to Molly's for that dinner, it all came to me and I started choking up, just like that. The tears wanted to leave my eyes so bad, that at some point I had to actually say out loud "No, not now, not now...". I was hoping nobody would see me and try to talk to me, but it happened and I try my best to keep it together, because it was another friend with whom I had to say goodbye. I managed to say "hi" and nod and look understandingly, but it was very, very hard to speak at this point and I just wanted to cry like a baby.

Somehow I kept it together though, and got to Molly's where I was then joined by Alex, Jon and Zaritza. We took pictures, had a nice chat that was so typical of all our chats over meals and drinks in the past 3 years, that it felt comforting. It felt like home, my home. Then we left, all of us agreeing to leave the sentimental stuff to the bus station the following day.

Then it was Monday, only a week after I had submitted my thesis, and I had to leave Dartmouth. Leave Dartmouth. My mind kept repeating this as if trying to make sure it wasn't some kind of a joke. I had to be out by noon, so I got up at 5.30am and started cleaning up. Since I hadn't gotten my shit together to send my clothes and books to friends in Seattle as I was originally planning, I ended up having to donate almost all I had - most of my clothes, most of my books, all of my electric appliances, almost everything really. So many memories, so much of my life over these 4 years. Each thing I threw out took with it a small piece of me, and by the end of this exercise I felt really small, but somehow new - it was my ritual of passage, my closure, my analogy of the Romans burning their ships when they invaded a new land, so that had no retreat plan. And I did need a new beginning.

Between 12pm and 1pm, when I had to take my bus, I managed to sell two textbooks, mail one to a buyer from Amazon, return some items to the music department, and get water. Then came the moment I had imagined for more than a year - the Goodbye at the Bus Stop. I had cried countless tears during that year, countless times and in countless places - my dorm room, Bulgaria, Switzerland, the plane to Seattle, and so on and so on. I was so afraid and needed my people around me at this moment. However, the stupid asshole of a bus driver started shouting and pushing people in the bus, because he needed a "head count". Eventually, I could barely get off the bus to say a hurried goodbye to Alex and Jon. I never had my teary movie moment. Maybe it was for the better, it was somewhat less traumatic this way. But my feeling for these people were indeed strong (especially for one, and sorry but I can't deny it), so the first few minutes as the bus was leaving Hanover I felt like I had gotten a blow on the back of the head. I couldn't even raise my eyes above a certain point.

Then I arrived in Bulgaria, after about a day of traveling. And you, my dears, and my life, and my three quarters, have not left my mind for a second. I miss you in so many ways that I can't even start to describe here, and I do hope we can meet sometime close in the future, all of us, just like we used to do. And then nobody will be able to take my movie moment away ;)

I leav you with this.