Long-postponed update

It has been nearly three months since I last updated this blog, and it's hard for me to figure out which of the things that have happened since are important enough to be put here. I will nevertheless attempt to bring up the main points.

Work-wise, things have been going well - my mid-year review which was completed sometime in February was very positive, my manager calling me a "real asset" and "boon" for Microsoft, also going as far as to say "I'm proud and pleased to be your colleague". All of this was, frankly, unexpected, because I never thought the job I was doing was all that. My job is to fix bugs in several areas of Windows, and an easy measure of performance is the number of bugs fixed over a certain period. This is, of course, relative, because some bugs are harder to fix than others. However, I always felt a little self-conscious because my bug count was lower compared to the average for my team. Nevertheless, my manager was more willing to look at the fact that they were also hard, tricky bugs which didn't always lend themselves nicely to the techniques we employ for solving problems. All in all, I was a winner, and I could breathe again.

I was also given a software project to work on, which brought me back a little to college days when we'd have a software assignment, only this time I was flying solo and there was no class to prepare me for the task. It is an interesting project (the details of which I don't wanna go into), but I had to learn a lot of new technologies and source code to even start doing something useful. In a way, it reminded me of my thesis, where I didn't start writing until the latter half of my second (and last) term of thesis research, simply because the area had been completely unknown to me prior to embarking on the project. I almost feel that it's always going to be like that for me in computer-related fields: there is simply too much to grasp by a simple human being, and frankly I don't spend much of my time outside of work dealing with computers. (Which will be expanded on in a different post)

As far as love life goes, I had taken a hiatus from dating after Korian, because I was emotionally tired and needed some time to recollect my thoughts; and also because now, unlike any other time in my life, I was willing to wait to find the right person. I have made in my life choices based on loneliness, and they have rarely had good outcomes, so I vowed to not do it again. Indeed, for about 3 months after I officially "broke up" with Korian, I didn't date anyone. There was this one guy I met in the club in (I think) late January, who seemed to me like a good dancer, and he was also cute, so I demonstrated my interest. After some ambiguous back-and-forth I got bored and decided to leave the club, and surprisingly he followed me. He drove me to my place, and we parted after a few sweet kisses and promises to hang out. These promises never materialized, and I lost interest soon thereafter.

Then in March I started going again to the club which had thrown me out for 6 months. Yes, indeed, I respected the 6-month ban, and I hadn't set foot there since October. I remember the very first time I went there in March - I was very very nervous and tried to keep a low profile, usually stuck in the thickest crowd of people so as to be less noticeable. I was so preoccupied with that that I forgot to have fun. But over time my concerns dissipated, mostly due to the fact that the guards either didn't recognize me anymore, or didn't care anymore - both ways it was good for me :) I was very glad, because this is the only club near where I live which plays my kind of music. It had been somewhat of an ordeal going to the other clubs and grooving to hours of trashy dance and Euro disco music.

Some things had changed in the club, but some hadn't - in particular, there was a guy I'd had a crush on since I arrived in Seattle. He is, or used to be, one of the go-go boys in the club, and we had on many occasions exchanged suggestive glances and smiles. It was a Saturday night and we did all these gestures again. Then the party was over and everyone started filing out of the club. When I finally got my jacket from coat check and got out, this guy was standing there outside by himself. I don't recall if he smiled at me or not, but I went up to him and said "I like you very much", and to prove my point I gave him a kiss on the lips. He didn't resist, in fact he got into it, and then it turned out he'd had a crush on me too, and had wondered if I'd ever do anything. I was beside myself that night. I remember in my drunken euphoria, as I was stumbling into the walls of my apartment while trying to change into dry clothes for the next club, I was uttering prayers - something like "God, please don't let me screw up this one". I was all smiles when I went to work the following Monday.

In fact we had a chance to hang out on the Sunday of that week, and got to know each other better. I was surprised at how many similarities there were between our tastes, favorite things and even life stories. This were looking up. I was trying to guard my enthusiasm. I'm usually the one guilty of getting overexcited about a future prospect. I tend to rush things to happen. I think it's the invisible clock whose presence I've been feeling the past couple of years, this pressing feeling that "life is short" and everything has to happen right now or it may never have a chance to happen. Either way, I resolved to abandon my ways and approach this one like an adult, or at least like what an adult was supposed to act like according to many movies, friends, and word of mouth. I was just taking it easy.

Then the next week we agreed to watch some movies at my place and cuddle. I think it was a Sunday again. And the days leading up to that Sunday were perhaps some of the most embarrassing, nerve-wracking days I'd had in the recent past. All the uncertainties, negative self-perceptions and fears that had been dormant somewhere in the depths of my mind sprang up into full wakefulness, causing me to feel like the ugly swan's best friend - fat, boring, unworthy of attention, unlovable. I guess I felt threatened by this guy's self-confidence, the ease with which he seemed to display his body in public, the air he had of someone who can get whatever he wants, as he later said in words. He told me stories of the people who were, or had been after him. He told me how people were jealous of him and talked behind his back. He told me other things that made me feel like just another one of those seemingly endless members of his fanclub, I felt little and unimportant and a temporary distraction. Prior to his coming to my place, I had literally scrubbed the apartment squeaky clean - I hadn't myself seen it like that since 2008. But I just felt so ashamed of how my apartment looked and what he'd think of it, that I lost some sleep over making it pretty and spotless.

But I guess all of that had to happen, because at the end of it I was so emotionally exhausted that things just went into their right places in my head, and I realized how stupid, childish and self-destructive these thoughts were. I woke up, as if from a deep sleep, to realize that I was the kind of guy most people would be happy to have, and one that can offer a lot and be a lot for the other. It was refreshing and overnight my outlook changed to the point that I felt great calmness and clarity fall upon me. I realized that there was a disconnect between me and this guy, something that I can't really place but I can mostly easily explain as this: you know when there is shared interest between you and another person, you know the feeling that even when you're not talking the other person is thinking of you, you know how the two of you make little gestures to show the other "I'm still interested". I wasn't getting that signal, that feeling. So things ended in my mind, maybe about a week or two ago. Since then, said boy has sent me a few text messages, something to the effect "I wanna hang out with you" but then I respond and he doesn't say anything, it's this weird communication thing that I seem to have had with everyone before him.

Right now, I'm in bed with a nice book , thinking whether to venture out in the sunny day again, or go to the gym, or just chat and listen to music, or finally do the dishes. I would, however, appreciate a bit of that old-school romance, where I have to do less guesswork, when fewer things happen over text messages, and when it's clear if the person in front of you really likes you or not. Maybe I'm asking for too much but oh well, I always have :) Otherwise I wouldn't be here writing this blog entry.